Championship Game

As we've seen it in one of my videos and shown within the pictures on this website, I have a trophy. I've explained it on video, but of course we have to talk about it again now.

I feel that there is no amount of words that I can say that properly articulates just how much pain I was in back then. The pictures paint a picture, but it doesn't show everything. I mentioned in a voiceover video that I did when I showed the details of my hair changes from then to now how people didn't see me getting a bunch of Sally Beauty orders of dye delivered faithfully. People did not witness how I'd dye my hair, dislike it, and immediately want to change it that same day. Nobody was around to witness the many times I'd do something to my hair, spend my whole off day putting a style in, just to hate it and take it right back out. The hurt and pain was real.

I have always been somebody who was strong and self-willed. Prior to being broken, I prided myself on that strength. When things happen, I was used to being able to make a few adjustments and solving the problem, I could not do this during my "Three Years of Torment." When I was a child, there came a point where I used to say, and sincerly believe that I was one of the Seven Wonders of the World. :)It says a lot about me that I thought something like that. It says a lot about me that I had enough confidence in myself that I photoshopped and got my face printed onto at least 10 shirts to wear. The same person who did all of this, it is a loooooooong fall to go from that to being absolutely broken. It is hard to go from being mentally and emotionally strong, to almost being defeated because now I am too hurt to get back up again.

When I talked about my Testimony, I compared being tormented to a castle being under attack. The significance of codename in this situation, was that he was the "sword" that got stabbed into my heart and stayed there. I had a life-threatening injury that I couldn't tend to because I was under attack by people who had no intentions on giving me time to regroup. I managed as best as I could, but I was failing. Codename leaving was the sword getting pulled out of chest, and at that point the pain that I kept brushing aside was now too great to be ignored and I couldn't fight anymore. In the process of this "fight", I had to hide what was most valuable to me because it was the one thing I couldn't stand to lose: my heart. I commonly use Tai Lung being chained up in Kung Fu Panda to illustrate that. She had to get locked up "she" is also the person who first started wearing those shirts. God was the only one who knew where "she" was and went got me.

He made me "get out of the control room", trust him, and made me go "play in the sand" aka heal. Whatever was to come my way, whether it be a bomb or missile, I had to trust him to take care of it and don't let it distract me from my work.

This is the prelude to my "Championship Game"

In the midst of my brokenness, there was another man who came around at the height of my insecurities. This was around the time I cut my hair off, and keep it in mind that I did not cut my hair off by choice. It was that broken off and damaged to where I had no choice. This was the first time ever being "bald" and was something to get used to. I felt ugly before and I just knew I was hideous now (in my eyes). Cutting my hair off was October 2022.

A man came around dropping things off at my job, and there was no question that we were both attracted to each other. After this day, he came around multiple times a week and I'd always go over and talk to him, sometimes waiting for him to come. Only problem... he was married. I did not know this initially, and once I found out, I still liked and appreciated the attention.

I had spent so long wanting codename to treat me as if he actually liked and was attracted to me, as I've said elsewhere, I wanted to be treated in the same way he treated the other woman and that never happened. I did not have to try with this man. I did not have to change or beg for his attention. I didn't have to ask him to show up to come see me for over a month, he was doing it on his own accord. It was like a very dim light in the middle of a very dark tunnel. Boundaries were never crossed. There was no hugging, no exchange of numbers, nothing inappropriate happening. The way it looked though, nobody would've been wrong to believe that we were "messing around" because that's exactly what it looked like. And codename was around to witness it.

This is prior to my healing. Prior to him leaving and prior to the work getting started. This paints a brighter picture as to just how messed up I was.