Healing a broken heart:

We have always narrowed God down to being nothing more but a means to having a more successful life financially and romantically. We are taught to look for and accredit him for all good things in our life under the belief that good things equates to being saved and highly favored. We look to have all of these materialistic things to show that we are " better" than the next person, all while our hearts and minds remain untouched. The God that I know is not an entity that will give you "everything" physically, while simultaneously ignoring the broken heart and messed up minds that is laying within all of us.

What is the benefit to being able to say that you have certain things in your life, yet you've never found real happiness? Yet you still feel like something is missing? What is the benefit of having "everything" in a physical sense, yet you can barely stand the man or woman looking back at you in the mirror? Still holding onto pain and regret? Still can't let go of pain from years ago and still searching the world looking for some level of love, validation, and acceptance? Still lacking knowledge to create a better life for yourself in terms of peace, not just looking for something to showcase on Instagram.

While we have been distracted and led to believe that the greatest thing about God is his ability to grant riches and bring us relationships, there is no greater gift than his intelligence and direction... and that is what he gave me!

My story of brokenness: Why would a man choose me?

The experience that broke me started with a man telling me that we needed to take things slow and be friends first, then allowing me to witness him display a different set of rules with another woman. I had to work to make progress with this man, I had to change things about my behavior in order for things to continue progressing. I was the one who predominately had to put forth effort. I had to walk on eggshells. I had to "calm down" and be a lot more patient. I couldn't do "too much" out of not wanting to "scare him away".

Another woman came along and his behavior towards her in comparison to me told me that she was "good enough", I wasn't. She didn't have to work, she didn't have to strive, she did not have to change, all she had to do was walk in and he was ready to hand his attention and efforts over to her. Not because she was a "good woman" and surely not because she was a better woman than me, but because he saw something that he wanted sexually and ran after it expecting me to stand by being okay with it. In his words, I had no place to be upset because I wasn't his girlfriend. He was a single man that could talk to whomever and do as he please.

On top of this, I have consistently seen people online with the mindset that the presence of a man proves whether or not a woman is worth it. Though nobody has ever said the words directly to me, I have seen men online constantly telling other women that they're not good women because if they were, some man out there would've snatched them up.

According to the mindset of people, a man won't find "good" and let it back out into the world. According to the wisdom of man, the only logical explanation for a woman being single is because she is not worth the hassle and the lack of a relationship is proof. Society also says that if another woman is getting the attention and getting picked over you, it is because she is the better woman.

This situation broke me, not specifically because of sex being prioritized, but because I took this as undeniable proof that I just wasn't somebody worth being with. What does it say about me that I have never been in a relationship? What does it say about me that another woman can easily walk in and get the attention that I had to beg and work for? What does it say about me to have never had a man put forth real effort to get to know me yet alone be with me?

--> Am i just not good enough ?

I believed that my lack of success romantically was a result of something lacking within me physically so I began to alter myself hoping that these changes would bring about the love and acceptance I was desperate for at that time. I became hyper critical about myself, and everything was viewed as a problem.

Was the flaw in the fact that my butt wasn't big enough? Is it because I am ugly? Is it because I don't strive to be viewed outwardly as sexy? Did I need to lose weight or gain it? I did not view myself as insecure nor broken during this time, but my physical alterations showed what I THOUGHT I was hiding. Broken. Hurt, insecure, and falling apart. These pictures are between 2021-2023 with the bulk of the breakage starting in 2022, and this isn’t even 1/2 of it.

In order for me to be here as I am today, God personally came into my life and taught me that the only thing that was wrong with me was my perspective and my lack of knowledge. The gift of knowledge, the gift of God's wisdom was not just handed to me. I was put in a situation that brought all of my problems to the surface to where it couldn't be ignored anymore. Think of a pile of horse manure.

In life, we are used to sweeping things under the rug because it's how we survive. Life doesn't stop because we're not okay and if anything, this is the time it gets more ruthless. I swept a lot of things under the rug trying to pretend that I was okay, and God peeled that rug back. Under that rug was my own feces and I got pushed into it. At this point, I could keep crying, keep running, keep trying to pretend that nothing was bothering me. A testament of my character, I chose to address the issues head on and sought knowledge to help fix the things that was broken within me.

I had to learn what matters in this life from the source and what doesn't. I had to learn the value of being a woman of heart and not seek to turn into what gets more attention and praise. I had to learn how to love myself from scratch and not keep trying to "correct" things that were never broken. I had to learn the value of myself without looking to depend on or keep searching for that validation within a man.

None of this was easy.

My money didn't change. A man did not come into my life and heal me. I do not have an extravagant life that is worthy of being showcased on Instagram. I do, however, have the peace that I was promised. I have the love and acceptance that I was looking for to the point I am no longer creating problems in my life that can threaten that peace. I was given a piece of the whole world and that piece resides within me through God. Best of all, I was given room and opportunity to be me.

Everything I write on this website will be a collection of things that I have learned that brought me to where I am today.

Before there was man there was God and without God, there is no me.