Insecurities

In the process of getting back on my feet, I have never been shy about letting it be known that I've dealt with jealousy and insecurities. This is the reason why we are here today. Jealous because another woman was getting the attention, jealous because another woman didn't have to work as hard to get the attention and effort that I was striving for.

When it comes to a man and another woman, there is usually a habit of looking at that other woman in comparison to yourself wondering what went wrong with you and what was so much better that she got something that you wanted or was able to take something from you. I did this.

For almost three years he wanted to try starting over and was still adamant about being friends first. How could I go along with that in peace and without fear that I wouldn't have to take a backseat to another woman again? How do I not look at every woman that bared similarities to this woman, and not believe that he wouldn’t be interested in and want them as well?

There was also the problem of wondering what did or didn’t happen between them and not being willing to let that go. Was I supposed to be okay with the possibility that while I was waiting for a text back, he was "finishing up" with her... or another woman?

I never believed that he was interested. In my mind, if I wasn’t good enough then, what makes me good enough now? I believed that I was always going to be the “just in case it doesn’t work out with anybody else” and nothing was going to tell me otherwise.

Another reason why this situation caused so much damage was because of believing that all it takes to get a man is to be "good".

Women are usually told to be "good", and a man is going to love and appreciate you. This is what men say, but at the same time men also say that you will not be taken seriously without sex. With the average man, sex is treated as the price of admission for the time it is going to take to see if he actually likes you. Without sex, there is no man. Without sex, you get accused of playing games. In order to stand a chance of being a girlfriend, yet alone a wife, you must first choose to be that man's whore with no guarantee of interest or commitment.

Being able to witness time and time again that men will set aside "good" because he's more interested in pursuing what is making his "Toy Solider" stand up, what chance do I have at finding love in a world of people who've centered their lives around lust? If I have qualities that make me someone worth being with, why did this not matter when another woman came along? Why was I placed in a position to have it [at minimum] look like i'd have to take a back seat to a woman whose personality is sex and being one of another million women shaking her behind on TikTok? This was something that I just could not understand and something that made me began to believe that character doesn't matter.

I grew to a point of believing that it was pointless to try with a man or open up because he'd just leave for the next opportunity anyway. What is the point of trying to open up my heart to a man that is going to leave as soon as the next woman comes around?

Lack of validation was also a problem for me. I couldn't believe nor see that I was good enough because I never had the "proof" of it.

We also cannot forget about being hyper-critical of self. I will probably get write a separate thing about this in due time, but of course we have to talk about the reality of social media today. In short, we see way too much of other people's bodies, women's especially, that it makes it hard to hold unwavering confidence in self. When I went to therapy around the time of my healing, I mentioned to her how social media, TikTok and Instagram especially, have turned into an escort service. Bodies are plastered everywhere and with cosmetic surgery being more accessible to the masses, we are seeing a new level of confidence in many people that wouldn't have been there otherwise.

Lipo360 and BBLs have become the new standard for what a woman's body should look like. One minute it is a trend to be skinny, the next it is a "trend" to be thick. We get to see the bodies of women who'd eat nothing but a bag of spinach for breakfast to maintain her body, and it breeds a high level of insecurity looking at ourselves sometimes. This was something that I once struggled with. Seeing what everybody else looks like, it becomes a question of how could a man see all of this day in and day out, then be satisfied with you once it's time to take your clothes off?

A lot of men are very critical of women's bodies and the last thing any of us want is to have someone look at us in disgust. Now it is made to seem that we have to keep up with and follow the workout dedication of all of these influencers whose main objective is to post their bodies for recognition and attention.