Confronting my problems:

Journaling is what helped me realize that I had issues, journaling is what helped me confront and understand those issues.

In my testimony videos on YouTube, I mentioned and showed the book that I used to allow myself to finally feel and address what I needed to. I suppressed a lot of my thoughts and feelings because I didn't want to seem weak or be vulnerable. I spent too much time pretending that everything was okay when it wasn't, and this was my first time really allowing myself to feel the things that I needed to. I swept a lot of things under the rug and now that rug had been pulled back to where I had no choice but to address it. There was a lot to process during this time and a lot of unwanted feelings to sort through. I was realizing that my perception of things was wrong the whole time, finding myself caring about and missing someone that I wanted to believe I hated, realizing that a lot of my behavior was a result of the lies of others, and of course feeling bad about the way I treated him... all while still holding onto anger from that original situation.

I remember when I first started to journal, I kept focusing on what he did as a way to justify my anger. There was a night that I couldn't sleep because things were that bad and I had no choice but to pull out the notebook. Once again, I was still talking about that situation as if it had just happened, and at this time... it was 2023 and this originally happened in 2020. We've all gone our separate ways, he showed remorse about it, and he was in a completely different state now... was I really still THAT mad or was it something else? That is when I realized that I often hid behind anger and most times that anger was just a safety blanket for fear. Once I learned to let the anger go and express what the actual problems and thoughts were, I started to realize that I was just scared and regretful.

When we feel like we've messed up and possibly missed out on something, it is only natural that we want to try working things out if possible, and that was where I was. I knew it was unlikely to happen and that he'd more than likely (and did) choose to start a relationship with one of the many women in a new state vs trying again with me. This is when I learned to stop focusing so much on him and his actions, and more on myself. I was regretful about my behavior, and I also did not understand why I made some of the decisions that I did, because it wasn't just about the involvement of others.

In summary, this is some of the things I learned during that time:

-- I had a right to feel the way I did as far as being reluctant to give things another chance. My premature emotional investment just made it harder to be confident about my decision making. Whether he had regrets about his behavior or not, whether he felt like it was a mistake or not, being put in a position where it at minimum looked like I'd have to take a back seat while he pursued his sexual desires with another woman was something that no man was going to come back from. I was not wrong to be weary that had I chosen to invest in that situation after that experience, that I wouldn't be put in that predicament again. There was no reassurance that he could've gave and there was not enough time, history, or proof that better choices would be made going forward that would've made continuing on worth it.

-- One of the biggest issues here was my premature emotional investment. I didn't know him but already had it in my mind that I wanted it to turn into a relationship. Had I known back then to be a lot slower about liking a person and taking the time to actually get to know them first, it would've prevented a lot of unnecessary drama and hurt. My reluctance also came from being able to see that despite my feelings, we were not compatible. I "liked" him because of my own hopes and imaginations of what could've been, not for who he was.

-- Getting over my regret... though I missed him momentarily and felt bad about my behavior, I found myself happier with him gone and breathing a lot easier. I also realized that had I REALLY been sorry about the way I treated him, it would not have taken him leaving for me to realize that. Also, when a person is sorry, that usually means that if you could go back and do things differently, you would.

I wouldn't.

Something to think about:

This is one of the main reasons why I advocate for taking your time in getting over a person and moving on instead of rushing, or being rushed into it by others. One of the main reasons why I chose to keep things to myself and just journal through everything, was because I knew that there would be a great deal of discouragement from others. This process in its entirety took time and time is something that people aren't willing to give. I found out a lot about myself through this situation and how I chose to take the path that I did. It was never about (codename), but people couldn't and wouldn't see past that.