God is everything, never a man!

From a sermon: The only time most people run to God is when they are in trouble and need him to bail them out. Once he helps, people treat him like he did nothing. We cannot accomplish anything with God. God is the only person who deserves to be loved with our whole heart... not a man or a woman.

---> Nobody can declare their loyalty to God without being tested

Listening to this sermon, I got affected by the message because he talked about how everybody needs to know what it feels like to have nobody around. Be abandoned by people so you don't have any crutches and be handicapped (aka too dependent on others), to the point you have no choice but to rely on God. I got emotional because my whole life has been that, and realizing that the strength I had this whole time to navigate life alone, the strength that I used to be so proud of, was God this whole time. It's very humbling, but it is also a level of heartbreak because pieces of my identity are being stripped away. + It's also how [Gino Jennings] talks about how we are all less than nothing,. Everything we have, everything we own, and can do is by the grace of God and God ALONE.

It's a lot to take in and to realize the magnitude of who God is.

I was emotional and didn't really have the time, energy, nor the mental and emotional capacity for anything or anybody else, and of course it was noticed. It's not like I could open up and tell people what I was experiencing and this made me realize the extent of how nobody can be your everything or your support system 100%. It's not possible because nobody is exempt from going through things and the energy they do have sometimes has to go towards their own struggles. Even when it comes to confiding in somebody, they can only give you advice and knowledge for as far as their education and/or expeeriences go. Only person that can truly help is God and his divine wisdom.

Realizing this takes away resentment and bitterness towards others for not being able to fill a void and/or assist me in a way that only God can.

---> a similar journal: Being human, we are always dealing with something. A lot of people are hurt, and most people have baggage and are carrying boulders. Nobody in that predicament can sit their boulder (problems) down to assist you with yours. People try, but we are not capable of shrinking someone else's boulder like God can. Our healing does not rest on the back of nor in the hands of another person. Life is not easy and walking with God is not easy, it is a lifetime of being hurt and getting corrected for our own benefit.

Speaking from experience, having to acknowledge and address things that I tried to ignore and run away from because it hurt that bad, is not easy. Realizing the trauma that I've been through, how my hurt played a role in my actions, and how I was emotionally naked during the worst time of my life is not easy. My heart was on my sleeve in a time I wanted and needed it to be hidden.

I've noticed that I have changed as far as seeking attention and needing validation from others, especially men, and it is very noticeable when I see how other women are every day. Too many women care too much about getting the attention of men who don't really like or care about them. Men who're no good, married, would dog them out, and just use them for sex. There is absolutely no benefit to being a woman that a man just has sexual interest in.

As far as I go with that knowledge, it has truly helped me to stop chasing behind and being so caught up in and being desperate for a man that I participate in seeking attention or competing with another woman for it. I love that I am not searching every corner looking for a man and being quick to invest emotionally based on mundane things. Getting upset when a man doesn't give me the attention I am looking for, getting jealous and creating an issue with another woman behind a man who won't matter in a few months are all things I no longer wish to do.