Self- analyzing through Pain:

I recently watched a True Crime documentary revolving online dating. Trying not to go down that rabbit hole but this highlights a definitive point that I strive to make sharing this information. It has always been a pet peeve of mine how we push each other and get pushed into relationships haphazardly. No knowledge, no wisdom, no understanding of what we are doing, just running based off emotions, the desires to have something, and the encouragement of "you deserve".

This particular situation I watched involved a young woman who had already been married to someone that she later on felt was not the right man. After being single for a while, she grew to a point where she felt she was ready to get back out there and find a man that was aligned with her wants and needs. Because her mother didn't want her to feel stuck or limited in options, she encouraged her daughter to get on dating apps. Her daughter, the deceased, had reservations about it but her mother still went ahead and made her a profile, and they'd sit together scrolling through men.

"This one is cute",

"That one seems nice",

"You should give that one a chance".

The same things that get told to those who are single and somebody around is trying to encourage them to take a chance on someone.

And she, Nadine, did take a chance on someone that her and her family believed was a "good guy" because that's how he presented himself. He said that he was going to marry her, take care of her, and tried to show his "loyalty" through gifts and promises. She was skeptical about taking gifts and money from him, her sister encouraged it because that's what she "deserves".

This same man physically abused her the first time she flew out of the country to meet him.

When she wanted to break things off with him, he black mailed her with naked pictures he took of her behind her back and threatened to send it to her friends. As time goes on, she eventually met with him in a hotel believing that confronting him one-on-one would resolve things. He ended up murdering her. While this is not a common, everyday situation, it is not rare and it is something that happens far too often. Many women have ended up in bad predicaments due to us "looking for love"... men as well, but the more drastic consequences for women.

There was another documentary I came across where in short, a man was on trial for attempted murder of his then gf. His ex chose to be a character witness and defended him, swearing he was a good man. He went to jail for three years and she consistently visited him believing that he was innocent. She fell back in love with him and let him move in once he got out of jail. After an argument in a bar one night, he went back home and did the exact same thing he did to his ex, except this time he succeeded.

As I said, I am not trying to go down that rabbit hole, but there are numerous instances to go off of. In each of these situations… there is always somebody, at some point who encouraged this relationship to happen and go forward despite the warning signs. Despite the skepticism, and despite the fact that we have no idea who a person is, what we are signing up for, or what you are pushing someone else into. Mind you, disaster isn’t just narrowed down to death and domestic violence.

As I said, one of my biggest pet peeves is being pushed into relationships and how we act as if singleness is a cardinal sin. Self-analyzing is a crucial part of why I am who I am today and had I listened to what other's said, I wouldn't... WE wouldn't be here. The answers to my brokenness weren't going to be found in a man, yet that is exactly where people wanted to push me.

There were too many times where my work got brushed off and I was encouraged to get back out there. What is the point of dwelling on someone who is no longer in your life? What is the point of still talking about the situation? Getting back out there and going look for love with no real direction is always the perceived "next step". Look at where I am today, at almost 29, in comparison to where I was when healing first started at 26.

How many men would I have had to gone through just to not even come close to this? How many times would I have had to "brush myself off" and heal because I got involved with yet another wrong man? What would I have had to give up and lose just to possibly keep a man around, and would it have aligned with who I am today?

Questions about my worth I had towards myself wouldn't have gotten answered.

The questions like:

- What makes me good enough?

- What makes me worth it?

- Why would a man want and choose me amongst all of the other options out here?

I would've kept looking for these answers within a man and continued to feel like my lack of success was a reflection of my worth. I would've still been insecure and doubting myself each time another attractive woman came around. I still would've been lost and confused, and my value would not be anywhere near where it is today.