Realizing there was a problem:

I have always been a person who prefers and needs peace. I have always looked for education and opportunities to learn so that I do not end up making the same mistakes or ending up in bad predicaments again. The situation I went through and the way I felt was something that I never wanted to experience again, and this is the main reason why I sought to look within. It is not necessary to get into details about every single thing that happened back then, all there is to know was that there was drama and too much confusion due to the lack of direct communication. Lack of communication also brought about too much dependence on the advice and help of others.

Because I was already emotionally invested in this situation, naturally there was a part of me that still wanted things to work out. I wanted him to put forth effort, I wanted to be pursued, I wanted to be spoken to with confidence, I wanted it to be without question that I was wanted, and above all else, I wanted to be treated in the same way he acted towards her. Despite my emotional wants, I was more scared of getting hurt again and this dictated my reluctance going forward.

One of the first things that triggered self reflection was how I mentioned that there was too much dependence on others for communication. Some people initially presented themselves as a friend and somebody who can be trusted. Just like with most friends and confidants in a situation like this, the main advice given is always to find someone else and move on. In this situation though, unknown to me at the time, these "friends" were twisting things to get their own agendas across and using our lack of communication to their advantage. Somebody could easily come along and tell me something under the guise that it was his words and how he felt, and I'd believe it. I was already angry and hurt and this made me susceptible to believe any further negativity.

It came a point where I got tired of the drama and all of the "he said, she said". If things weren't to work out, I didn't want to keep talking about him nor hearing anything about him, and there was a person who refused to respect that. I didn't like the lack of boundaries, and I often noticed that they'd tell me things potentially wanting a reaction. I am not a fan of having other people use my life as a reality tv show for kicks and giggles and realizing that this is what was going on, I wanted to distance myself. I wouldn't say that I am not a confrontational person, however, I do believe that most people and most things simply aren't worth the conversation. It gets to a point when people know exactly what they are doing and it's best to just remove yourself. I have a profound history of being done with a person and instead of talking about it, I'd rather just "wipe them from existence" and a lot of people don't take too kindly to that.

There is no need to be disrespectful, cause a scene, or create more drama. There are two people I think of here and both of these people wanted to argue, had an attitude, resorted to lying on me, trying to get me in trouble at work, and in one instance, violence. Before all of this, I was not 100% certain in my assumptions/ assessment of them, but the fact that this was the way they chose to handle things confirmed that I was correct.

And when a lot of my behavior, attitude, and aggression towards him came as a result of what these same people said, it was something that needed to be thought about and it did bring about regrets.

How much should I have trusted and believed the words of those who'd resort to lying on me and go as far as having a physical altercation when I want to distance myself from them? Once (codename) was finally gone and these people were out of my ear, I could finally start to see things more clearly and think for myself. As I said in the beginning, I am not a person that can see an issue within my life and not seek to correct it. I started to question a lot of things and realize that a lot of (codename's) behavior contradicted my beliefs about the situation and what other people told me.

Something that really helped me here was the fact that I journaled a lot throughout that whole ordeal and this aided me in being able to look back at things. We don't get opportunities to look back and see things for what it is because there is no rewind button in life. In 2023 I could go back and read things that I wrote back in 2021-2022 and I saw that I had a pattern of being wishy washy. I had a history of being hot and cold, being open to starting over and then changing my mind that same day. There is the saying, "one foot out the door", I had 99% of myself out of the door with only the nail of my pinky toe in... and I was always ready to take that back at any given moment. Seeing that this was my behavior consistently, yet he still tried despite all of that, is when I realized that my thoughts were wrong and I was more of the "bad guy" than what I initially thought.

This is what led to regret and realizing that I had issues that I needed to deal with.